A Little Pause May Cause Miracle in Relationship with Your Teenager

“Mumma! My daughter called loudly as soon as she entered the house, stamping her feet loudly.

‘You need to do something about my facial hair.’

 

I want to get rid of them, at least from my upper lip and eyebrows. I am so annoyed by them and everyone makes fun of my moustache at school.

 

Why am I the only one with so much hair in my class? I hate them.

She was fuming in anger and frustration. 

 

“You are just 13, honey. I got it done when I was 19.”

“Why do you compare yourself with others?”

“You’re really beautiful and perfect just the way you’re, darling.”

“You don’t need to do anything to look smart and beautiful.”

 

I just had to bite my tongue not to say any of these things above.

 

I was very well aware of what would’ve happened after such statements from me, I had experienced that in the past.

 

I knew the disappointment, the rage, the conflict, the hurt, and the regret. I knew it all. 

So I chose a different response this time.

I took a deep breath, looked into her eyes and took a PAUSE. 

 

I saw deep into her eyes, which were already welled up with tears.

 

I could see a lot of sadness and pain there… the pain of being a teenager, of trying to find her individuality but still fit in, trying to accept herself but not able to do so, of not being able to make sense of everything… and more.

That pause helped me see all that.

I took her face in my hands and said, can we first check with a good dermatologist and also with our beautician if threading or waxing would be appropriate at your age, and then you can decide if you still want to go ahead with it.

 

She nodded in a relief and hugged me. I consulted a dermatologist friend who suggested avoiding it for one more year knowing about her sensitive skin, and if needed, waxing would be the safest mode to go for.

 

When we went to the beautician. she looked around at other ladies getting threading done. The beautician mentioned it’s going to hurt as will be the first time for her and can cause some redness too.

 

I looked at her with all my compassion and courage.

 

“Actually, let me get a leg wax only this time, maybe I can wait for some more time for this mom”, she said.

 

I gave her a warm hug, and might have embarrassed her there 🙂  But it was a hug to myself too for staying calm and truly listening to her.  

 

I wasn’t sure why she chose not to go for it, because of pain or she changed her mind b, but one thing I know for sure…If I would not have taken that pause the other day, and forced my decision on her, we would’ve ended this on bad sad notes.

 

She probably wouldn’t have got the opportunity to make such a choice on her own. It would have been a lose – lose situation, rather than a win -win.

 

I know now, every challenge is not there for me to find ‘the right’ solution or answer for my child and me. I might not even have the right solution for everything.

 

Though every situation big or small, is an opportunity to listen, to make my child feel really heard; to express my feelings with love and compassion, to create a deeper connection with my child when I am able to truly listen to ‘the said’ and ‘the unsaid’.

 

There have been many times in my parenting journey, when I’d reacted and overreacted and regretted it later. But now I also have list of times when I took the pause, listened, gathered compassion and love in a situation where it wasn’t natural for me to do so (due to my old patterns).

Those times inspired me to do so again and again. I hope it might inspire some other mom (or dad) as well.

 

There have been many times in my parenting journey when I reacted or overreacted and couldn’t take that pause. 

 

But whenever I took the pause, listened, gathered compassion and love in a situation where it wasn’t natural for me to do so, a miracle happened. Everytime.

I really do hope that I can do this more and more with my children and in my other relationships as well.

Afterall, Miracles are just a pause away!