How Blame Game damage your relationship and what to do about it?
Most relationships begin with nice lovey dovey feelings but soon the honeymoon period is over.
And then begins – “I wish my partner could be…” period, when we want our partner and relationship to be in a certain way, as per our perception of how they could be.
If our partner does things as per ‘our map of the world’ we are happy. If they don’t, the blame spiral starts in most cases, that can even last a lifetime if not examined and changed. Partners usually tell each other what they should be doing or should not be doing; and that too in a nagging, taunting or blaming tone, which evokes defence or indifference into other partner.
Certain forms of communications are deadly in any relationship, blame and criticism is certainly on the top of them. Slowly it becomes a routine habit and both the partners indulge into it like a routine without even realising they are doing it; one might be doing it more than other.
When blame game is on, it does not matter who wins; in actuality both the partners lose.
Blame sucks the lightness and comfort in a relationship, and the intimacy converts into fears. It damages the deeper connection and fulfilment on which relationships thrive.
Couples have to pay heavily for this habit. Gradually both partners are full of grudges and resentments towards each other. Even though they might believe, that they love each other and are committed to each other; they start doubting their choice in moments of resentment.
Small blames like these ones become big resentments:
You don’t do anything right.
You never listen to me.
You always forget to pay the electricity bill.
Why didn’t you take out the trash last night?
You are never present, you don’t notice anything.
You are always too busy with your phone.
You are too naive, anybody can make a fool of you.
You can’t even manage this little thing on your own.
There would be many things that your partner might improve upon and so do you. Blame and criticism only worsens it all.
Do you recognise being stuck in the Blame Game in your partnership or marriage? Do you wonder what is the way out?
Start with these steps to get out of blame game:
First step to any change is – to become aware of it.
An unaware man is in a sleeping state, he / she has no idea how life is just passing by and they are losing on precious time to connect and create bliss in their relationship.
“To become more aware in life, simply take your focus off your partner and bring it to yourself.”
Ask yourself these questions every single day –
How am I contributing to the blame and negativity in my relationship?
What one thing can I do today to accept and love my partner just the way he / she is?
Biggest myth of a relationship is, that it’s a 50-50 partnership.
It is not. it is a 100 – 100 partnership.
Every partner needs to take 100% responsibility for their part.
Ask yourself every day –
Am I taking 100% responsibility for my part?
If you’re wondering how will you know if you’re not taking full responsibility?
Check these – If you are doing any of these, then you’re not taking 100% responsibility! Period.
– Holding your partner responsible for your happiness, comfort or feelings (Your feelings are your responsibility).
– Saying rude words, taunting or criticising your partner and not realising and apologising later.
– Not recognising your partner’s effort in relationship and not acknowledging him / her.
– Not understanding your partner’s genuine needs (it can be need for conversation, listening, spending time together, need for appreciation or hugs).
– Withdrawing love & care and not talk when being angry (cold war).
– Pushing issues under the carpet and not put an effort to solve and understand other better.
I hope while reading all these, you’re thinking about what you do to your partner and not what your partner do to you.
If you were still thinking (while reading above) how your partner is not taking full responsibility of their part, you’re totally unaware of your own part.
Think of your part – take full responsibility! Period.
If there’s a lot of misunderstanding, breach of trust or hurts, OR you’re finding it difficult to improve your relationship, take help of a professional coach or counsellor.
Check out www.salonisingh.com to get to know more about relationship coaching and how it can help you transform your relationships.
You don’t need to be scared of conflict. It is not that bad. Think what if you could make friends with it. There’s a higher purpose of it.
It is natural to disagree on different things and have different opinions. That helps you grow and understand life and your partner from different perspectives.
Relationships are the breeding ground for your evolution and growth.
Once you’re aware, the next natural step towards growth is to communicate. Communicate with your partner on a daily basis, wholeheartedly.
And “communication means – listening.”
It is not about projecting or pouring your feelings on your partner, rather it’s about creating a loving and compassionate space for listening.
“Compassionate listening is the space where relationships heal.”
Listen in a way, as if you’re loving with complete presence and surrender…with full presence, no assumptions or preconceived notions.
It’s never too late to heal and strengthen any relationship. This is the pathway to continuous peace & bliss in life.
To beautiful relationships…